Cathy's Story
“I see him in there still, trying to come back but he doesn’t know how to anymore and then he gets this look of sadness and confusion, followed by a heavy sigh. He’s tried so hard, but he just can’t come back.”
Cathy’s husband and best mate is Peter. They are the unbreakable team, the pair who always joined forces to tackle each challenge and embrace life’s joys together.
Since his dementia diagnosis seven years ago at the age of 56, Cathy has tried to keep Peter feeling like himself – like the dad who enjoyed sports with his kids, the tinkerer, fixer and maker, the adoring husband, and the ever-active friend. Not solely the man who at the beginning of all this started to forget about the shopping he was meant to do and who over time became unable to identify a shovel when asked to get it from the garden shed.
“Watching little bits of him go hits me and it upsets me.”
Gradually and bit by bit though, Peter is losing the ability to do the things he always took such enjoyment from. And there are times when Cathy is unable tell whether he is enjoying the things he can still do, especially when he retreats into himself – overwhelmed and unable communicate.
Peter now sometimes struggles with the most basic of daily tasks. When he told Cathy that he doesn’t know how to take his clothes off anymore, she could see the sadness in his eyes. It hurts to see the man she loves so changed.
On a recent trip, Cathy was hit by the heart-wrenching realisation of how far dementia has altered their relationship.
“We still hug and kiss and have that affection but it’s different. I realised that I’d lost my wife status and became his carer. It breaks my heart as I just want him back so much, even for a moment.”
Preserving Peter’s sense of identity for as long as possible is incredibly important to Cathy. It’s something that she feels taking part in Memory Walk & Jog helps to promote, because they’re all there to support him, “to make sure he feels like Peter, not somebody different.”
Over the past five years Cathy, along with family and friends, have been taking part in the Western Sydney Memory Walk & Jog. This year there will be around 20 of them in their team, plus four dogs. Cathy explains how easy it was to ask people to join her and register to take part. Knowing Peter and Cathy’s story they all said “yep!” without hesitation.
They will be there on the 20th of March to not only support Peter, but to also support other people impacted by dementia, to show solidarity with the friends Peter and Cathy have made through groups they attend, and to spread awareness of the condition – particularly the fact that dementia can affect people of all ages, young and old.
Alongside caring for Peter and being a mum to their three boys, Cathy somehow and incredibly finds time to fundraise. She doesn’t always have as much time as she would like to raise as much as she wants to, but she knows that ultimately it all counts.
Cathy’s top fundraising tips include sharing your story on Facebook, focusing on what you can do rather than what you can’t, thinking of other fundraising activities (such as their hot dog and ice cream days), and getting as many people involved as possible.
“If we can contribute in just a small way to help other people or find a cure or just help people get support, then I would do anything. Dementia Australia does a brilliant job and they’ve been really supportive, so it’s our way of giving back to them.”
Cathy knows how important it was to have Dementia Australia there to support them – with practical help, counselling, and complete understanding. She describes how they felt a sense of “we’re ok now” when they were connected to a key worker who helped them with practical tools to make the house easier for Peter to live in.
Peter and Cathy also discovered a sense of connection through the Dementia Support Group they were referred to. It helped them to realise, “we can do this, we can survive this”. It gave them the chance to form lasting friendships with people who “got it”.
Peter and Cathy truly value their family, a trait which has been passed on to their boys. Jakey, their youngest son, recently decided to convert to distance education so that he could spend more time with his dad. He noticed that his dad’s condition had declined sharply during lockdown and since Peter was knocked for six by the COVID-19 virus. He decided on his own that distance education would mean he could make the most of each precious day with his dad – his mate. Cathy now experiences a sense of dread, worrying that Pete’s decline will be permanent and signal further deterioration towards an end she simply cannot contemplate.
Living every moment as it comes is Cathy’s defence against these fears though. She tries to keep her focus instead on the day by day – prioritising simple but precious moments and encouraging Peter to be in them too. Moments like seeing his children and being able to say hello or feeling happy to run with his family and friends at Memory Walk & Jog.
Cathy also holds on to the love Peter has for her and for his family, and to the laughter he has shared with them all. As he increasingly changes from the dad her two eldest boys grew up with and the “beautiful man” she walked down the aisle to, she both mourns and celebrates the life they have lived together, the life they expected to live together, and the one that now brings the unexpected hour by hour.
“I don’t know what the future holds, and I suppose I probably don’t want to think about it – but having him by my side has been the biggest honour.”
